so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
