guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
