I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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