o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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