I am spending my child support on dildos
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
