I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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