I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
