I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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