We're like a lot better than the average bears
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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