if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
