what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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