the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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