that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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