Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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