Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
