Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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