I think I am morally bankrupt
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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