she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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