I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
