I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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