i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
