He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
