Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
