Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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