Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize