He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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