When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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