I just pynch a tree in the face
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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