my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
