I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
