Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i think my cat just said my name.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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