Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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