did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
