I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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