my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
