Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
