I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So many bounce houses so little time
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
