im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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