Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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