my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
