So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
