I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
