I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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