If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
