she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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