xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
