If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I AM VODKA MAN
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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