I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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