Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
