My nipple is on Facebook.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
