Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
