i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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