That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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