I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
