3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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