my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
