Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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